THE SONIC BOOMER
This column is for the kids, the ones who absolutely know that Mother’s Day is this coming Sunday and who are working hard to do something about it.
You are, aren’t you?
Of course you are.
Now, I’m a mom, so I will give you some pointers on what not to get mom if you want her to feel loved and appreciated.
Do not get mom anything that eats and poops. She has you, that’s enough.
Do not get mom anything that says “Mom” on it. This is schlock created by manufacturers who know you’re desperately trying to find something to suit the occasion, sometimes at the last minute. But your mother already knows who she is because, all day long, she hears, “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!” She does not need to be reminded of her position in life.
Do not get mom a coupon for something you are going to get her “later.” Get it for her now, so she doesn’t have to remind you. Or even hint.
Do not get mom a coupon for something you are going to do later. Do it now, for the same reasons as above.
Do not get mom anything that you want. I know, I know. You both want it, really. And it would be so good to have it. But let’s try to focus on mom here, for one day at least.
Do not get mom anything that might accidentally insult her, like weight-loss books, hair coloring, personal grooming products or deodorant. We know you mean well, but we’re mothers — we look for the underlying meaning in everything.
Do not get mom anything by using her credit card. What are you doing with that anyway? Did you take that out of her purse? You better not have!
Wow, that’s a lot of nots, Ms. Welky. Don’t you have anything positive to say?
Well, yes I do. First of all, I want to commend you for remembering Mother’s Day in the first place. Even if mom had to cut out this column and put it on your pillow, you remembered that Sunday is the day. Good for you!
Second of all, I am happy to hear that you truly love your mother. It sounds stupid, but that’s all we really want — your love. We know that sometimes you hate us, but knowing you love us deep down (even when we’re doing our jobs as mothers) is major. The Beatles said it best with their timeless yet antiquated medley, “Can’t Buy Me Love.”
Third of all, if you must get us some little trinket to express this love, I suggest chocolate. You can never go wrong with chocolate. Bonus points if you know whether your mom prefers dark or milk.
That wasn’t so hard, was it? You’re off the hook for another whole year and, best case scenario, you may even get a piece of chocolate out of it.