THE SONIC BOOMER
I wish I had known about auctions when I was a young newlywed with no children and nothing to do in the evenings. Not only are auctions highly entertaining, but you can get great stuff at good prices.
A good auctioneer knows how to work the crowd and throws in a joke or two to keep his audience amused. (“Up next is a rare African fertility idol. I’m not going to touch it, but you feel free.”)
Kitchenware goes for pennies on the dollar, even air fryers and microwave ovens.
Furniture (unless it’s French, hand-carved, 18th century, look-at-me-I’m-rich walnut) is ridiculously affordable because most of the audience no longer owns a truck nor the backbone to lift anything heavier than a grapefruit.
If the weather outside has made the building untenable, I make sure I’m there. Die-hards like me know that fewer people means better deals.
I went to my first auction about 20 years ago and have been hooked ever since. I go once a week and call it my “poker night.” Why? Because a poker face helps you win your bid.
In the beginning, when I was a newbie, I would stand right next to the item I wanted, face full of hope, twitching with excitement. This is a no-no. Especially if you have good taste (which you will also learn by going to auctions), you must feign disinterest at all costs. You don’t want other bidders to think, “She likes it, so it must be good.” This runs up the bids. The price escalates. You do want other bidders to think, “Not even she likes it. What’s wrong with it?” Then when no one bids, you come in with your low bid and, hopefully, get the item for a steal.
Prior to the auction, I go around the room, looking everything over. If something catches my eye, I make a note of it, but not until I’ve walked way past it. The auctioneer’s job is to get the most money out of me that he can. My job is to keep as much of my money as possible. He may even defensively say, “The floor under that table is uneven!” Then it’s up to me to give a little shrug and raise an eyebrow — a silent “If you say so.”
My all-time favorite part of the auction is the very end, when people who have overbid need to leave because their money is gone. That’s when items are sold dirt cheap. An entire wall of leftover pictures can go for $5. Sure, the pictures are ugly. I’m after the frames. Some people even buy them for the glass.
A tabletop of Christmas items will go for $10 in July. It’s OK, I have a back room.
I recently bought 10 tubs of decorative tableware for $2. I pulled out the broken pieces and still have service for 12, all with the original high-end department store price tags.
My original goal was to see if I could buy a building using money I’d made from things people threw out. I’m on my second building now, with a third in sight. It’s my own little World Series of Poker.
