Last Night, I Was Abducted By Aliens


Now here’s something I probably shouldn’t be writing about:

Last night, I dreamt Mark and I were abducted by aliens. Keep in mind, it was a dream.

I was at the airport and was waiting for the shuttle to my hotel. When it pulled up, I noticed how exceptionally clean and neat it was. There wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere, and it looked like it might be a 2014 model. It had every amenity, including a baby seat for the woman with a baby.

The driver was unbelievably efficient. He took our bags so speedily that we didn’t even see where they went. On the roof? Into a side bin? Then he helped each of us in and made sure — he made absolutely sure — that we were buckled in nice and snug.

The next thing we knew, we were hovering in the sky above the airport, indeed, above the Earth itself (cool!), and then we found ourselves in what appeared to be the lobby of a doctor’s office. People started getting kind of panicky, even more so than in the lobby of a regular doctor’s office. I was glad I had Mark by my side because the people who were there alone were really nervous. I had to hand a paper bag to one young man so he could throw up. Nice of the aliens to have paper bags around.

I didn’t feel scared, just curious, and when they took me off with the women, my cell phone rang. I remember thinking, “This cell service company has really good coverage!”

“Hello?” I said as I was helped into a white T-shirt and drawstring pants.

“It’s Thomas.” (The manager of my store). “I am completely out of change.”

This irritated me. Wasn’t it his job to make sure there was always enough change?

“Look, Thomas. I’m kind of busy right now. Can it wait?”


No. OK, I would have to tell him the truth. “I’ve been abducted by aliens.”

There was silence at the end of the line. Of course there would be. I’d explain it to him when I got back home. Because I knew we were all going home. We’d be retrofitted or whatever they call it and reprogrammed and sent to live among the Earthlings.

“Can’t you borrow some change from the store next door and put up a sign asking customers to use small bills?”

“OK.” He hung up. I looked around, sorry for having disrupted the quiet efficiency of the aliens and fully expecting them to take my phone away.

But they didn’t. (Aliens realize how important it is that I keep my phone with me.) Instead, they fitted me with contacts that didn’t hurt my eyes and gave me perfect vision for the first time since I was 11. “Wow! Thanks!” I said.

Then they brought Mark back in, and I asked my alien, “Hey, can you fix him, too?”

“They already did,” Mark said happily.

I interrupted my guy again to say, “Thank you.” He just went on with his work.

So I started feeling pretty lucky to have been abducted. I started thinking maybe there was a reason I was one of the chosen ones. I could hardly wait to get back and start fulfilling my duties as a reconstituted human. Maybe I’d be able to fix my computer!

Then I woke up. And, in typical human fashion, I started obsessing that maybe pleasant alien dreams are what they send you so that you don’t freak out when they abduct you for real next week. But don’t you worry.

If they take me, I’ll call.