I Need To Cut Back On Candy Crush!


Last week, I was the best grandma ever. I took my bored little grandson on an outing he will never forget. We began with a toddlers’ gymnastics class, went out to lunch, visited an indoor playground and stopped at the park on the way home.

Three days later, we both had raging colds.

Blame the swings… blame the slides… blame the other kids if you will, but it’s not going to change anything — we’re sick. The doctor said it’s going around, but I don’t care. I want to breathe again. I want to taste food, smell flowers and get out of bed.

Well, maybe not get out of bed. If I got out of bed, I might have to stop playing Candy Crush Saga, my new fixation.

Yes, that’s right. I am now hooked on the most popular iPhone game in the world — just like 46 million other people. And yes, I know it’s a stupid waste of time.

For the uninitiated, the object of the game is to use your finger to line up like-colored candies so they explode, ultimately clearing the board of unwanted horrors like jelly or fruit. At least that’s what you do in the early levels, the ones that I’m on. I have no idea what you do two years into this highly addictive game. I do know there are 590 levels in all… to date.

If you get stuck on a level, you can ask your friends for help or buy your way out. In that way, Candy Crush is a very much like life — which got me to thinking.

What would happen if we dedicated the hours wasted playing this insidious game to solving real-life problems? You can’t tell me there aren’t people right now lining up imaginary red jellybeans while I’m on hold, waiting to speak with their supervisor.

It’s the beginning of the end.

Naw, I can’t say that. Rock ’n’ roll was the beginning of the end. Long hair on boys was the beginning of the end. Prior to that, the automobile was the beginning of the end.

It’s always something.

I will say this, though. America had better put its nose to the grindstone. We have a lot of work to do around here. The recession affected a lot of people in a lot of ways, and spending hours playing Candy Crush Saga is not going to help anything.

What we need is some kind of technological invention that will bring in lots of money, optimally from all over the world. Something like, say, Candy Crush Saga.

That’s right. In the United States alone, people pour $633,000 per day into this game, 99 cents at a time.

In Hong Kong, one out of every seven people is playing it — daily. In London… oh, wait a minute. I have to wrap this up. The Candy Crush tooth fairy has appeared on my phone with a “sweet surprise,” and I have to see what that is.

Right now.