Sure, I Can Make Resolutions, But Can I Keep Them?


Monday is New Year’s Day, the day when, following a night of unbridled insanity, we make all kinds of vows we are never going to keep.

No, that’s not fair. Most of us try — we really do. I think it’s a testament to the human spirit that, knowing what we know about ourselves, we continue to keep trying to be better.

I blame marketing.

And advertising.

And drive-through lanes.

All the things I love so much are the very things responsible for my demise. If I wasn’t the target market for chocolate companies, I’d have a nicer complexion. If I wasn’t a sucker for every temptation presented through advertising, I’d be richer. And if I didn’t believe the promise of quick service at drive-through lanes, I’d be thinner.

In fact, if I made a list of everything that successfully lures me out of bed in the morning, that would be the very same list I should use to make my New Year’s resolutions.

Coffee… bad. Bacon… bad. Toast with rich, creamy butter… bad. I resolve not to touch any of those things. (Resolution #1.)

Going to work is good. It pays the bills while keeping me out of the pantry. I resolve to go to work. (Resolution #2.)

Lunchtime at work and the drive-through lane beckons. No. no, no! I resolve to eat healthy. (Resolution #3.)

At 4 p.m., My body signals it is done for the day. My boss signals that I am not done until 5 p.m. My go-to fix? A pleasantly bubbly carbonated drink loaded with caffeine. No! I resolve to cut out the caffeine. (Resolution #4.)

Having made it to 5 p.m., I get in my car to go home. The drive is treacherous, as there are other cars on the road, and I have always had a problem with that. Someone passes me at high speed and cuts me off. I lean on the horn. Bad, Debbie! Get a handle on the road rage! (Resolution #5.)

Once home, I make myself a nice dinner, which I eat sparingly. This is good. Don’t be a pig. (Resolution #6.)

I relax in front of the TV (which I have earned) with a big bag of chips and a glass of wine (which I have not, but I’m hungry). Get a grip on yourself! (Resolution #7.)

I take a shower. Brush my teeth. Go to bed. All good. (Resolutions #8, #9 and #10.)

The next day, I wake up and lie in bed, running through my resolutions. “No coffee, bacon, butter, fast food, caffeinated drinks, road rage, wine, snacks or big meals. Go to work, shower, brush your teeth and go to bed.”

The outlook is bleak.

I ponder this.

“Go to work” is not luring me out of bed like coffee does.

“Shower” is for later, when I’ve, hopefully, exerted myself.

So I do the only thing I can do. I get up, brush my teeth and go to bed.

It’s going to be a marvelous year.