THE SONIC BOOMER
Poor Meghan Markle, now the Duchess of Sussex.
The pomp and circumstance of the royal wedding has ended, and she has nothing ahead to look forward to except a bleak future, outlined in layers of security and governed by thousands of rules and regulations, both spoken and unspoken.
She is destined to live a life with others telling her what to do and how to do it. No popping over to a friend’s house without notice. No strolling through the mall on her day off. No days off, really.
From now on in, Mrs. Harry Wales must hold her teacup a certain way, curtsy a certain way and address everyone a certain way. She can’t wear casual clothes or certain shoes, and must always wear a hat to formal occasions, unless it’s after 6 p.m. After 6 p.m., it’s tiaras only, even if you’re out for pizza.
That last sentence was just to see if you’re paying attention. The Duchess of Sussex is not going out for pizza. She’s not ordering take-out, and I highly doubt if a Domino’s delivery vehicle has ever pulled up to the castle. Even pizzas concocted by the royal chefs are going to taste different. The Queen has banned garlic from the palace.
Meghan (oh, sorry, the Duchess) had to give up her well-paid acting job, but something tells me she is acting every day.
She can’t wear bright (or dark) nail polish, can’t cross her legs (except at the ankles) and is not allowed to be touched by the public.
In case someone important dies, she always needs to have something in black on hand, but that’s much like anyone who spends a lot of time with young children — we always carry a spare shirt.
She can’t take a selfie (although the temptation in certain situations must be overwhelming) and is no longer allowed to tweet. (This, as we Americans have learned, is probably a good thing.)
Speaking of politics, the Duchess is not allowed to express any political views nor vote. I can see the advantage of keeping her mouth shut (something we Americans who still have friends have also learned) but not vote? Come on! This is Amer… no, it isn’t.
In addition to hair stylists and nail people, this newly minted royal has to meet with a nutritionist (I’m out) and can’t go off to live in a regular house, even though she can afford it. No hands-on remodeling projects for her! I can’t imagine what she’ll do for fun.
Members of the royal family do get a lot of gifts, which protocol tells them they must accept. Well, that’s common courtesy, but here’s the rub — they can’t keep anything, no matter how cute it is! They can’t even pass it along, as re-gifting is frowned upon, even if it’s something a good friend has been wanting for decades. All their presents belong to the Crown. I’d like to see the Crown’s basement!
“Sit where you’re told.” “Eat when the Queen eats.” “You’re done when she’s done.” It’s just too much for me! I’d much rather dash out for pizza in my sweatpants after work than be the new Duchess of Sussex.
And, actually, I’m pretty safe there.