THE SONIC BOOMER
Because I am now a reluctant Lady of Leisure, I watched “Dr. Phil” on TV last week. He was featuring a 20-something whose little video had gone viral because it showed her licking an airplane toilet seat. In his own inimitable style, Dr. Phil wanted to know “what the h*ll” she was thinking, what with death tolls from coronavirus doubling every day.
Her reasoning was a) I wanted internet fame and I got it, b) Chinese people shouldn’t eat bats; “they don’t even taste good” and b) Baby Boomers have made up this whole virus thing to scare her generation into not having a good time on spring break.
Dr. Phil stated that he didn’t even know where to begin correcting her.
Sit back and relax, Dr. Phil, because as a mom, I do.
Missy, a) you are famous for being an idiot, b) how do you know how a bat tastes if you haven’t eaten one yourself? and c) we Baby Boomers are too busy keeping the world spinning to give a hoot about you and your spring break.
In addition to trying to stop this thing (no thanks to you, girlie), we have to spend our down time buying stock in companies that make diapers, formula and binkies because you may not know what spring break and “sheltering in place” mean, but we do — it’s babies.
If I was you, I would scrape together whatever money I could and bet on nine-month futures, too. You could buy into maternity goods, baby furniture, any number of things needed by the oncoming Pandemic Baby Boom generation.
You might also want to watch for a spike in home repair materials, because anytime a woman spends more than 24 hours in her house, she tends to come up with half a dozen projects that need to be done. But be careful with your investing — I predict hair dye, false fingernails and makeup sales will dip as people look in the mirror and realize they don’t look so bad au naturel.
Personal office supplies? Up. Loads of the workforce will be working from home from here on out, now that they’ve figured out how to do it. Plus, it’s more comfortable (see above).
And, finally, weight loss programs — way, way up. All this binge-watching and binge-eating is fun now, but it will inevitably take its toll.
Now, I do have to backtrack a bit here and point out that our little “co-video” sensation also said she bleached the seat before she licked it and she was on a private plane owned by her “Sugar Daddy” anyway. For her sake, I hope that “Sugar Daddy” has a strong immune system — and a strong stomach — or she’s going to have to start casting about for another person who has more money than sense.
Depending on how many people she’s influenced, it shouldn’t be too hard.
The rest of us yokels are just going to have to go on as we are — intelligently, carefully, doing everything we can to protect ourselves and, ironically, her.