Sheltering At Home Has Not Been Kind To My Poor Husband

THE SONIC BOOMER

We’ve reached the 30-day mark of Florida’s Stay-at-Home Order (a.k.a.: “Here’s That Vacation You’ve Been Longing For… Just Don’t Go Anywhere or See Anyone”), and I’m sure many of you are wondering what life has been like for my husband, Mark, during this time. How delightful for him to be cooped up with a busy self-starter — an imaginative person who has a good sense of humor and the background of an event planner. What a treat for him, to welcome each morning alone together with me, hand-in-hand.

Day 1 (me): Let go of my hand, are you crazy?! What did you touch this morning? The doorknob? Are you kidding me — the doorknob?! Are you trying to kill me?

Day 2 (me): What do you mean you’re going out to find toilet paper? Where? Oh, don’t make me laugh. The grocery store has been out of that for weeks already! Don’t you read the news? Sit back down because neither of us is going anywhere until I finish making these masks!

Day 3 (me): Don’t rush me! I’m working on them! How did I know I was going to need a package of elastic in my life?! OK, OK. I’m pulling it out of my underwear, are you happy now?

Day 4 (me): It looks good. No, it really does. You only need it looped over one ear! That string of paperclips will take care of the other side. No, not like that — here, let me show you how to do it… don’t touch me!

Day 5 (me): Thank you for getting toilet paper. It’s not the brand I like, and I didn’t even know they made one-ply anymore, but, hey, you tried. “E” for effort and all that. Did you swab down the package before you brought it in the house? You didn’t?! Why do I give you sanitizer if you aren’t going to use it?!

Day 6 (me): I’m bored; let’s play a board game. Well, OK, let’s do a puzzle then. What do you mean your family “never played games?” Every family plays games! How do you know who’s the smartest and who needs to be endlessly ridiculed if you don’t play games?! Well, excuse me, Mr. Fancypants, if my family didn’t summer at the country club! What’s that? Well, there’s more to life than bridge, you know!

Day 7 (me, nervously): What do you mean, “Where was I?” I went out. Yes, in the car. If you were more aware of what was going on around you, you’d know that. What? Never mind where. OK, if that’s what you want to call it, it’s a “secret.” I am a grown woman who drives a car and keeps secrets from her husband, so sue me. Huh? Um, well, yes, I guess you could call it a McDonald’s bag… so what do you want from me? I snapped, all right?!

And, finally, Day 30 (me): Sit with me and hold my hand. Here, I brought you a cheeseburger. No, don’t bother wiping it down — the girl was coughing, but I ducked. Hey, after lunch you want to finish teaching me how to play bridge? Well, what did you have in mind? Oh, that! (Fade to black.)