THE SONIC BOOMER
I only have one New Year’s resolution — to fix the country. It’s a big one, so that’s why it’s only one, but I can do it.
First, I will fix the school system. Due to the pandemic, a lot of kids are remote learning. A lot of others were remote fooling around, hiding under their parents’ bed while playing games on their school-issued iPads. A lot of remediation will be needed next fall, and this is the perfect time to implement my plan, which works like this:
Part 1: Within the first week of school, test every student in the country using standardized tests that the national Department of Education has rigorously put together by working tirelessly from January through July. If a child is in second grade, he will take a test that covers subject matter from first through third grades. The rewards for every child that completes the test will be huge — a new bike in every pot, if you know what I mean. The bikes will be on display during the test-taking, maybe on stage in the cafetorium, all shiny and new and motivating.
Part 2: Place each child in the grade level in which he scores with no consideration at all given to age. At the end of the school year, the tests will be given again with the prize this time being that you either advance to the next grade level or you don’t. Because teachers are already complaining about too much testing (and they’re right!), all other standardized tests will be shelved for this school year, maybe forever. The time they wasted will be used to administer comprehensive developmental tests for underserved kids facing real challenges.
Next, I will fix relationship dynamics. I’ve broached this idea before, but I still think it’s a good one — marriage by renewable contract. Every year, on your anniversary, you will “re-up” with your spouse by re-signing (and re-dating) your marriage certificate. It will be a celebratory event with people dining out and toasting each other as they docu-sign their agreement on an iPad proffered by the maitre’d.
For those who are disinclined to continue the marriage, a 90-day lapse with no “re-up” and you are automatically divorced — no precious court time, no expensive attorney fees, no wailing and gnashing of teeth. Your marriage certificate simply expires, like unpaid car insurance. If one person signs and the other one doesn’t, both parties will be emailed the dissolution notice with a note that says, “Sorry, this wasn’t going to work out anyway.”
The division of material goods (and credit card debt) goes 50/50 and whomever takes the kids also takes the house, the good car and all the cash because, brother, they’re going to need it. Possessions with only one name on the deed or title go to the other person — this will keep people from padding their “accounts” and, anyway, what are you doing shopping as a single when you’re registered as a legal couple, you selfish so-and-so?
I have more ideas to save the nation but, actually, I’d rather be asked — better yet, begged. Because I have all the answers, I really do. And, just like anyone else with way too much time on their hands, I sure would love to share them.
