THE SONIC BOOMER
I just want you to know that I have solved another one of the nation’s problems. I solve these problems regularly and would be a tremendous asset to the country if anyone ever asked me my opinion.
In fact, at parties, most people excuse themselves or simply wander off when I start in on my opinions. I need a talk show, or at least a news program — something that used to be known for fair and unbiased reporting but which is now light on reporting, heavy on opinion.
Yet I digress. Today’s topic is, “How to Stop Making Americans Angry by Giving Working People’s Taxes to Non-Working People” with the sub-topic of “Healthcare.” Now, ordinarily, the nation’s decision-makers shy away from these topics because they are both highly volatile subjects. People have strong opinions on both sides. And, if a politician chooses the wrong side, he or she could lose the next election, and that would mean losing two of the most important things in a politician’s life — their control over working people’s taxes and their healthcare. Fortunately for you, I have neither of these things and am, therefore, a free agent. So here’s what I think the country should do.
First, it should follow Florida’s lead as a “right to work” state which, loosely translated, means, “As your employer, I can fire you at any time so don’t you even think about forming a union or even putting a notice up on the bulletin board about it, or you’re out of here.” And I would go one step further, adding a “right to not work” which, loosely translated, means, “Treat me better or I swear I’ll walk out of here right now.”
That accomplished, we would now have a nation of independent contractors and entrepreneurs. Which, when you think about it, is what we had way back in 1776.
With my plan, there would be no social programs. None. No Social Security, no Medicare, no Medicaid, no unemployment compensation, no food stamps. Nothing. What there would be (hear me out on this) is free healthcare for all. Comprehensive healthcare covering everything from a splinter in your finger to raging mental illness that makes it virtually impossible for you to hold any kind of job at all.
Now you ask, “But how would we fund this, Debbie?”
And I answer, “With the money we’ve saved by not funding Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, unemployment compensation and food stamps, of course. I bet we’d have money left over. And we’d devote a significant amount of this leftover money to…”
“…Guns, ammo, bombs, war! Yay!”
“No, no. Now don’t interrupt. We’d devote a significant amount of this money to the study of the brain, so the cost of funding free healthcare would diminish.”
So, that’s my opinion. And I’ll be the first to admit my plan may have a few tiny flaws, but I’m working on them. I’m always thinking. In fact, when I next see you at a party, I’d be happy to discuss them at length. Or at least until you wander off.