Stories I’ve Heard Have Led To A Lengthy List Of Resolutions


New Year’s Eve! New Year’s Day! The time of year when we celebrate having made it through the holidays by having way too much to drink and making all kinds of resolutions to never do that again, whatever our personal “that” was. I, myself, have a lengthy list, all based (unfortunately) on real life… but not all mine.

Resolution #1 — I resolve not to “gift” my doctor and his office workers with holiday goodies that give them food poisoning, forcing them to close the office and retire to their home bathrooms. I heard about this one when my store manager had to re-do the work schedule due to her doctor’s visit having been rescheduled. The domino effect of yucky Christmas “treats” now has me coming in on Monday despite having entertainment-deprived holiday guests in town.

Resolution #2 — I resolve to avoid becoming a hoarder. Despite owning two antiques stores packed to the gills with unusual and questionable merchandise (I was going to say “crap” but see Resolution #4), my own home stays pretty neat. This is in direct contrast to the California woman I heard about — a legally blind hoarder who had been living with her dead son’s corpse for 20 years. “I thought he’d moved out!” the startled woman told police.

Resolution #3 — I resolve to clean up my language. It’s not what you think. It’s not that I have a potty mouth. It’s semantics. Having discovered through trial and error that using subjective assumptions and character profiling to keep thieves out of my store, I will — from now on — refer to what I am doing as “data analytics.” You know, instead of packing heat.

Resolution #4 — I resolve to upgrade my fashion choices. Maybe I’ll even purchase some of those new false eyelashes they’ve come out with. They seem lighter and airier than the old-style ones that were so heavy they weighed down your eyelids until you looked stupid instead of sexy and had you tripping over furniture and stumbling down the stairs. Or maybe I’ll do what my 94-year-old mother did last year — buy the magnetic ones. “It’s the latest thing!” she explained.

Resolution #5 — I resolve not to nag independent thinkers about wearing their masks to keep the rest of us safe. I hate to keep bringing this up but, like you, I’ve lost a number of friends this year, and they all died shortly after their last Facebook posts about the virus being a hoax.

Resolution #6 — I resolve never to breastfeed my cat on a Delta Airlines flight. I first heard about this from my flight attendant sister, then saw it on the Internet, then heard back from my sister that “legal” assured them that the story was true and, in fact, that the woman had first slathered herself with butter to help the cat “latch on.” What has happened to us women when our goal is to have a sharp-toothed feline hanging off our chest, pawing us with razor-like claws?

In short, I resolve to become a safer, more conscientious and more beautiful woman — a woman who, if Resolution #6 is a sign of the times, will never own a cat.