THE SONIC BOOMER
My grandson turns 13 this month — a milestone that strikes terror into the hearts of those who formerly loved him.
Oh, we still love him, but, you know, teenagers. They’re a bit much. I had two of my own. So, for those of you out there also suffering while you try in vain to love a teenager who lives behind his bedroom door, let me give you some tips. It won’t ease the pain, but it may be enough to get you through the next seven years.
1. Keep your pantry stocked and I mean stocked… bursting at the seams. But not with real food — don’t be silly. With snacks. Anything that can be ripped open and poured down an open gullet without unnecessary steps like opening cans, cooking or (heaven forbid) defrosting stuff is acceptable.
2. If you can’t keep your pantry stocked with snacks, fast food will do. And it’s not like you have to be there to purchase it. In fact, please don’t. The method preferred by teenagers is that you leave your wallet on the counter with $10s and $20s spilling out of it and a sign nearby that says, “Take this money.” If you want an eye roll, add a little heart.
3. Don’t even think of using your phone charger. It doesn’t matter how many cords and blocks and in-outlet chargers you have, it’s not enough. They are never where the teenager needs them at the precise moment they do need them. Teenagers must have total access to all chargers, day and night. If your own phone needs charging, you may sit in your car with the engine running. Try not to do this with the garage door closed, tempting as it is.
4. Transportation. It is hard to determine which is more important to a teenager — snacks, chargers or transportation — because their priorities change on a dime (your dime, of course). Once you have fed a teen and provided the electricity necessary to power up their many devices, this same teen wants nothing more than to get away from you. They will tell you this right to your face, sometimes screaming. This ungrateful attitude should make it easy to throw car keys at them and yell, “Fine! Go!” But that is not the correct parental response. Why? Because most of these kids can’t drive. Some aren’t legally old enough. Some don’t have access to a car. Some have never touched a steering wheel in their lives. Doesn’t matter. Every single one of them thinks they can drive.
5. Providing a vehicle. Eventually, every parent breaks down and either loans a teenager their car or buys them one of their own. Although unavoidable, both are foolhardy scenarios. Once let loose, Teen Code requires that the lucky driver-teen will screech around town picking up his less fortunate friends along the way before heading out for “a good time.” And if/when they get into the inevitable accident, well, it’s not their insurance. You should’ve been more responsible about whom you let drive. But you’re not angry because they’re alive.
Thank God they’re alive.
