THE SONIC BOOMER
It is finally, at long last, the year in which the actual presidential election will take place. True, it won’t be until November, but we are inching ever forward, toward the end of this madness. Oh, what other countries must think of us!
When I visited Turkey about 10 years ago, I was watching the only American channel available on the TV set and was mortified to see Saturday Night Live come on. Worse, it was the episode where comedian Phil Hartman plays President Bill Clinton explaining American foreign policy to diners at McDonald’s by duking it out between the food on their trays (and eating quite a bit of it).
While I loved that we could laugh at ourselves, I wasn’t sure that the Turks shared our sense of humor. They could have taken it all wrong. They may have thought, “Their president is a buffoon!”
This year’s election isn’t even a comedy show. We can’t even explain the antics away to foreigners by saying, “It’s just a funny story, see? A couple of writers made it up!” The contenders aren’t even comedians. Well, not intentionally.
Oh, to be a TV comedy writer right now. They don’t even have to think; they just open up a newspaper and a farce is right there for the taking. The only challenge is to write jokes wilder than the actual quotes of the esteemed wannabe presidents.
To make matters worse, my husband Mark and I are of differing political parties. If we divorce, it will definitely be during an election year. I’ve threatened several times already, and the nominees haven’t even been officially chosen yet.
To calm me down, he had me take a quiz offered at www.isidewith.com, where you answer yes or no questions based on your beliefs and they tell you which candidates you lean toward — and by what percentage. He was delighted that we agreed on some things until I pointed out that we each think opposite issues are the “most important.” Plus, if put in a room together, the candidates we side with would rip each other to shreds.
It’s also worrisome to me that our votes always cancel each other out.
But I have a plan. I am going to switch parties. Yes! I am going to switch to his party so that, in the primary, I can vote for a candidate that I strongly feel will ultimately hand the election to my candidate on a silver platter. Then, on Election Day, I will vote for the person who I truly feel should win.
This plan is brilliant in its simplicity. In fact, I think everyone should do it.
“But, Debbie,” you may argue. “This dishonest maneuver will skew the polls and throw a wrench into the blue and red charts that we need to label each state long before any actual votes are tallied. The so-called news anchors will be making the wrong predictions. Without the reliable information needed to turn us against each other, all kinds of expensive mud-slinging opportunities will be lost. Is that what you want?”
Yes, it is.
