THE SONIC BOOMER
They’d better roll out that virus vaccine in a hurry. People have lost their minds. They’re so happy! They’re spending money like mad. Turkeys are sold out. Christmas shopping has started in earnest. Even poor, beleaguered restaurants are gaining ground.
But wait a minute, people! Be careful! It’s easy to forget that the end of a divisive election season don’t actually affect the raging of a pandemic. The end of one era doesn’t necessarily mean the end of another. But the thing is, there’s hope. And that’s what the people are feeling. At least half the people. The other half will come around as they watch the stock market, which is already skyrocketing. I mean, when France and Germany and Britain send you congratulatory messages that say, “Welcome Back,” you can rest assured that the global economy is going to bounce back up.
But enough of this — a humor columnist weighing in on the prospects of international finance. That’s ridiculous. Back in your box!
OK, so dialing it back to a national perspective, my parents’ nursing home is now COVID-free. As a Thanksgiving Day treat, if I wear my mask, I might be allowed to sit on the home’s outdoor patio and wave to the people who took care of me for 20 years. It’s a 10-hour drive one way, but I can’t wait. If they turn up their hearing aids, and I hold up cue cards, we might even be able to hold a conversation. At least I’ll get to see them.
Locally, I’ve begun cleaning the house in earnest. During the long week of ballot-counting, I stayed in my bed, chewing my fingernails and watching the exuberant and unflagging Steve Kornacki of MSNBC explain the results of every county in the nation. I consumed ridiculous amounts of snack food during this time and drank too much wine — depending on who was ahead.
When I finally emerged on Saturday, my distance vision was almost certainly permanently altered. I stumbled toward the washer and discovered that both the washer and dryer were full of laundry. We were out of clean forks. Time had stood still and, with it, my household chores.
Way back on the previous Monday, I had had plans to bake an apple pie. The apples were still on the counter, but now fruit flies were circling.
On Monday, I had intended to vacuum the living room but now dust bunnies had audaciously colonized right in front of the coffee table.
On Monday, I had finalized my grocery list but now we needed everything, right down to a new cardboard canister of salt. That’s pretty bad.
But today? I’m back! There are four dozen peanut butter cookies cooling next to the apple pie. I’ve routed every dust bunny from under every piece of furniture. And I went to Costco for my groceries, which means my kitchen pantry now looks like a survivalist’s bunker.
Tomorrow, I may actually begin painting the house. Yay!
