I Will Certainly Never Be A Morning Person!


Today I am up at 4:30 in the morning. I went to bed too early, and this is what I get for it. I’d better watch it or I’ll accidentally become a morning person.

Come to think of it, since I’m up anyway, I think I’ll try being a morning person. Maybe I’ll like it and come over from the dark side.

Phones aren’t ringing, and that’s good. But night people have that perk, too.

It’s cooler outside (maybe even way cooler) since the concrete hasn’t had time to absorb much heat. So that’s good. It’s so nice out there that I’d go for a walk, but it’s still dark. If anything happened to me, people would demand to know what I was doing wandering around out there at 4:30 a.m. “in the dark.” Evidently, the cool, pleasant dark is to be avoided at all costs.

I could eat something, but I’m not hungry. Breakfast is a morning person trait. Lots of people wake up ready to go, ready to eat. Not me. I’m a late-night muncher. I could munch straight through ’til morning if the snacks would hold out. But I don’t want to start my day with butter in my stomach. Yuck. Even on an experimental basis, I can’t do it.

So. What is there to do this early? I could watch TV, but the best shows are on at night. Morning shows are heavily laced with weather reports and exercise routines. They feature perky hosts who are trying to convince the viewer that starting their day early is a good thing. Wow. That is a job I would not want.

Put me on Good Morning, America, and I’d simply snarl, “What are you doing up? Go back to bed!” then lecture the viewers about how people would probably be nicer to each other if they got enough sleep. Then I’d curl up in a ball on the set and start snoring.

I can’t turn on anything as loud as the TV right now anyway. Mark is still sleeping, and, well, you already know how I feel about people getting enough sleep.

Maybe I’ll bake something. Naw. I don’t want to rattle around in the kitchen.

I suppose I could sit quietly and read a book, but I just finished a really good one and I’d like to give it time to sink in and affect my life. Sigh.

I’m bored. Morning is seriously overrated.

Maybe I’ll grab my keys and go for a drive. If I coast down the driveway, Mark will never hear the motor. That’s it!

No, when Mark eventually wakes up and finds the car missing, he may worry. He may think I drove myself to the emergency room. He may think I got a panicked call from one of the kids. He may think I was kidnapped. I’d better stay put.

But I could get him some doughnuts while I’m out. He’d wake up and I’d say: “See, honey? Toasty warm fresh-from-the-oven doughnuts!” That’s a good cover for a wee-hours ride. Much better than “See, honey? I just put 20 miles on the car driving around aimlessly, trying to figure out what it is you people like about morning. Oh, and here’s some earth-shattering news: The sun came up.”

Wow. Even I can see that anyone who snarls at the sun for coming up is probably still a night owl.

Eeh. I tried.