THE SONIC BOOMER
On our last road trip, I gave my husband Mark several quizzes. It helps keep him awake while he drives and, in the process, I learn stuff about him. Mostly, I learn that he and I disagree on almost everything.
Having arrived at our destination, you’d think things would have settled down, but this week we are at odds again, this time over the coronavirus. He says he is “refusing to politicize this” and I say it is so political.
It is! In just one week in March — this last week — and from various (mostly sketchy) sources, I heard that:
a) Tom Hanks and his wife are both experiencing symptoms of the virus,
b) President Trump has “fixed everything by shutting down incoming international travel,”
c) Delta Airlines has cut 40 percent of its flights,
d) The Democrats are fanning the flames of hysteria “so the president looks bad,”
e) The “hysteria” should die down by the beginning of April,
f) The virus is “a manmade virus released in China to bring them to their knees, thereby manipulating the stock market,”
g) The virus is meant to target Baby Boomers,
h) The borders between states are about to be closed and,
i) Neither Tom Hanks nor his wife are experiencing any symptoms.
I’m just a simple person. A simple person with a college degree who cannot understand what is going on but, because I was in college during the Vietnam era, am innately suspicious of our government. Here is what I told Mark: “Whatever it is, wherever it goes, whomever it has infected, we will be told in October that everything is fine because (wait for it) elections take place in November.”
As much as I believe that, can my stores make it through the summer if no one is out shopping? I still have a mortgage on one of them. Will anyone come to my estate sales? Should I be auctioning off the toilet paper found therein? Those are my questions — real life. “This is what pertains to me, Debbie” questions, and questions to which I would like immediate answers.
Of course, because of my suspicions regarding the government, I don’t even know where to turn for these answers. Television is out. I am so stupid that I don’t even believe in “fake” news. I believed everything Walter Cronkite said and, if the talking heads of today weren’t competing so mightily for ratings, awards and fame, I would believe them, too.
I might believe Ellen DeGeneres. With several TV shows, an income-producing wife and an absolutely amazing design/construction business, she has my trust. She doesn’t have much to lose by telling the truth. So, I’m putting it directly to you, Ms. DeGeneres. When is Tom Hanks next appearing on your show? That will tell me everything I need to know.