THE SONIC BOOMER
Following an evening of unbridled revelry, we are now to sit down and write out our New Year’s resolutions, is that it?
Well, ha ha ha. Where were 2015’s resolutions last night, huh? Gone with the wind, that’s where.
However, I am nothing if not a realist, so I have decided to be completely frank with myself this year and write down only things I have a ghost of a chance of accomplishing.
Take my Resolution Number One, for instance: “Get up in the morning.” At first glance, this may seem a minuscule step forward, but remember that I have to do this for 365 days in a row. And accomplishing that first big step each day puts me on track for future success with Resolution Number Two: “Get dressed.”
A lot of people take getting dressed for granted. They either pull on yesterday’s clothes while still half-asleep or they actually enjoy choosing fashionable outfits that accentuate the best features of their bodies and provide pleasurable viewing for the people they will meet that day. I land somewhere in the middle, preferring clean clothes that are comfortable while not even knowing what my best features are. Which brings me to…
Resolution Number Three: “Look in the mirror every once in a while.” As I get older, I find myself being startled by my own reflection. I will peer into a store window and see this mature woman staring back at me. Mature woman! Who is that person? I’m only 17 (aren’t I?) and she’s older than my mother (isn’t she?). And, really, couldn’t that mature woman take the time to put on a smidge of lipstick?
Resolution Number Four: “Call my mother.” I was doing this every Tuesday for a while, and then I opted to help take care of my grandchildren while they were babies. So regular calls to my parents got replaced with Sesame Street and diaper duty. If I don’t start calling them soon, I’ll be the one in diapers. If that’s the case, I’ll need…
Resolution Number Five: “Eat healthy.” This is a red herring. I know darn well that I will never do this because everything that tastes good has either butter or sugar in it. And if you want to make something good taste even better, add cheese. Everybody from Wisconsin knows that.
Resolution Number Six: “Exercise.” I do not expect to accomplish this. I just threw it in because it’s on everyone else’s list, too. I merely added it because of peer pressure and…
Resolution Number Seven: “Try to fit in.” This has been a lifelong quest of mine, rearing its ugly head whenever I think that I’m on the outside looking in. The real roadblock to this one, however, is that I don’t actually want to be on the inside when the outsiders are so much more fun! And that brings me to the highly attainable Resolution Numbers Eight, Nine & Ten: “Eat,” “Drink” and “Be Merry.” Can do! Will do!
Best of all, it’s last night all over again.
